Isn't funny how just when you think life is coming together, you're finally well on your way to finding yourself, life steps in and throws you a great big curve ball. Yes folks, the big D has entered my life and I am heartbroken. The curl up in a ball, become as small as possible and hide in the corner for, oh I don't know...the rest of my life? kind of heartbroken. The kind of heartbreak that makes you feel depression tugging at your feet, threatening to pull you down into that deep, dark hole that seems safe, warm and welcoming at the time, but is really dark and dangerous.
It's been two weeks since the decision, his decision, was made. At this point I can't even get a text from him without bursting into tears. Can't talk to him on the phone because this all seems so easy for him, so comfortable with his decision to walk away from me, from us. I definitely do not want to see him.
If all this isn't bad enough, Miss Negative Self Talk has made a triumphant return to my life. Maybe I'm not lovable. Maybe there is some flaw in me that everyone sees but me that keeps me from having a deep, loving, lifelong relationship. I'm too damaged, not smart enough, too selfish, too dependent, too independent, too messy, too emotional, too much baggage, too crazy, too hard headed, too unyielding, too wishy washy, too much of a dreamer, too unrealistic, too irresponsible, too much out of the box, too fat, too skinny. Maybe I make poor choices, concentrate too much on the wrong things, avoid things that scare me, have too much anxiety. Maybe - probably - I am all of those things and more.
There you have it, my life in a pile of poo at my feet. Ordinarily in this situation, I'd just step right over that pile, fill my life so full of work and things to do that I would fool myself into thinking that all is right in my world. Deep down it really isn't, it's just pushed aside waiting for the perfect time to bite me in my ass when I repeat the same mistakes over again.
This time I'm going to change it up. I'm actually going to step in that pile of poo and examine how awful it feels to stand in. Then I'm going to take the time to realize that I really don't like that stink in my life and move far, far away from it.
The realizations have already started showing up. I think I've had it wrong all this time that I have been searching for the right person to love and/or the right person to love me. Maybe that person isn't out there. Maybe that person is in me. Maybe this is the time for me to step into myself, fully, and learn who I am and what I'm capable of. It's time for me to step into my big dreams, the ones I've put on hold or dismissed because, you know, that kind of large scale success is for other people. Those other special people that I'm not one of. Only, I am one of them. We are all them, aren't we?
Here's my plan: (FYI, to those who don't know me well, I ALWAYS have a plan!)
I'm going to take the time to grieve the loss of my marriage. As crummy as it feels, it's really important to do.
The gym is definitely going to play an important role. It's what keeps me sane some days.
I've picked up a second job so I can pay my bills and save some money.
I'm heading back to school to learn some things about business that I didn't know last time around but will help me be more successful at the next level.
I'm writing a business plan for that dream business. The one that I know in my gut is great, that pushes me way out of my comfort zone on many levels, but I know will make me so proud when it's a reality.
I'm going to take the path to positivity and get off the negativity merry-go-round.
I'm going to stop saying, "I'll never have..." and start saying "When I have..."
Over time, I will pick myself up, dust myself off, heal and learn to love the most important person in my life. Me.
How do you deal with disappointment in your life? Do you tend to step over your pile or stand in it for a while? Would love to hear your story in the comments below!